07. April 2018
I am not sure if it is a story one should tell but it is a story that I have been struggling for a long time – sometimes more, sometimes less – and it is a story that has finally come to an end!
I fell in love with the wrong man and I fell into a trap that millions of women before me fell into and millions after me will do the same.
I was the other woman – for years.
This is a blog about rejection and just very recently I faced one of the worst rejections of my life – rejection of love. I believe that most of us, who have ever loved in any way, have faced some kind of rejection in love, in a relationship or friendship. It is most likely the most hurtful and most difficult form of rejection possible, especially if you are, like me, a person that believes in the good and in love.
Believe me when I say that I am finding it excruciatingly difficult to write about this as I am not proud of it and I realize that some of this may sound pitiful and I am making myself even more vulnerable than I am at the moment anyway. I wasn’t looking to be that other woman. I always took great pride in the fact that I never saw married men or men in a relationship as such. They were always neutrals, except this one time…
Why am I writing about this now? Well, about three weeks ago I had a car accident on the motorway in Salzburg that shook me up very badly physically and mentally. Apart from these injuries I had to painfully realize that the person I would have needed the most, who I would have liked to turn to for comfort and support wasn’t there. It made me look back on the past years and I had to face the truth that that person, the man I loved and trusted with my life always bailed on me when I was in need of either comfort or help.
It is the form of rejection that is the most difficult and painful to deal with, a rejection that feels like abandonment. This is especially rough when you are like me, a person that finds it difficult to truly open up to others, to trust and love. All of these things do not come easily to me and never really have. I let this man into my life, my heart and my soul unconditionally. And every time he abandoned me I found excuses for him and gave him chance after chance, let him back into my life and opened my heart to him, just to be rejected again, to be hurt again.
Rejection of love is tricky. It has the power to break a person, to make you lose your faith, especially when you have to face the truth that the person you put your faith in, that you loved and trusted never really loved you back. It is my true belief that you simply do not reject a person you love and follow a pattern of pain infliction. You do not abandon a person you claim to love without a word. You do not even do that to a friend. You do that to someone that you do not care about at all, someone for whom you have no respect whatsoever. So why did I put up with this for years? That is a good question that I keep asking myself over and over again. The only reply I have is that I really and truly loved this man, loved him in a way that surprised me and that I never thought possible (except in cheesy Hollywood films).
So how to deal with this rejection? The question of all questions…
Many books have been written about this topic and I am sure it has been looked at from every angle possible. There is no right or wrong to deal with rejection. We all need to find our own way but I do believe that there are a few things one can do to find a little relief.
A lobotomy comes to mind – just to stop thinking of that person but perhaps that would be a tad rash. Exorcism could help – are these still done?
Open heart surgery is unfortunately also not an option. So there is no easy way out!
Talking to others may help, if they are patient enough to hear you whine about the same things over and over again. If you have people in your life that show you this kindness without getting completely unnerved you are very lucky. Remember to do the same for them when time comes.
Try to take a few steps back and see the reality – and it is there, trust me. Ask yourself if it is what you really want or if it was just a lot of wishful thinking. Stop idealizing that person and more so, stop finding excuses for him (or her).
Distract yourself as best you can and stay busy. You deserve better!
I can only say how I am trying to deal with this special form of rejection. After crying, wallowing, and falling into a pit of self-pity (which is ok as long as you manage to get out of it), online stalking and praying for some life sign or explanation, I got sad and angry. Sadness and Anger are bad advisors though so what I am doing now, or tying is:
- I send him a message requesting him to delete everything I could follow online that is related to me, including blocking me on all messengers (stops the online stalking) and he did, without another word. Cold turkey kicking in fast and hoping for some relief soon
- not to think of him constantly – easier said than done (this is where the distraction part can help)
- when I do think of him I try to see the reality that he was not for me and that he is not even a good man or person. He is rather immature and a proven coward
- give myself the time and space to grieve
- telling myself he doesn’t deserve me and my love (which is very true)
- trying to look back on the years we had and doing my best to think of the good times and letting go in love (that’s a tricky one when someone leaves you without a word of explanation or goodbye, but it will hopefully be possible one day)
It might not sound like much but for me these are really difficult tasks. Even if I always new that this day would inevitably come, I did have the naïve hope that it would be with the semblance of dignity. I am taking it step by step, one day after the other and hope that the healing process will be successfull.
In all of this I am nevertheless a very blessed and lucky person. I have a great job with wondeful colleagues that I work with but most of all I have a handful of people in my life that are there for me and that show me the love, support and patience that I need right now. First of all my sister, and I cannot thank her enough and I love her dearly. And even if I don’t name them here I want to send a huge thank you to V, M, G and B – they know!