15. April 2018

My head just doesn’t want to shut down and my heart feels so bruised. The same questions are spinning around in my head and are making me dizzy and even nauseous.

I can barely eat and even if I did want to loose a little weight, I can not recommend a broken heart as a diet. I can also barely sleep and am constantly fighting the tears that threaten overwhelm me when I least expect it.

I know how pathetic all of that sounds but it is the reality. Is it important to feel all of this or is there some kind of shortcut out of this vale of tears and self pity?

The memories we shared are kicking in and hitting hard and with these memories comes the longing and the sadness. So not thinking of him is really not working a all. He is still my first thought when I open my eyes in the morning and the last when I close them again at night, Does that make me weak?

He is in my dreams as well and perhaps that is a way to deal with it. When I think of him I mainly wonder and hope that he is doing well and is happy – crazy I know but perhaps that is the essence of true love… I do admit that I always wanted him to be happy with me but that was unfortunately never an option.

One thing that I am beginning to understand now, after observing the patterns of the past four years, is that his silence was never used to hurt me. t’s genetic…

Men and women communicate very differently, that is no secret. BUT…

In stressful or even dangerous and existential situations women have the need, the uncontrollable urge to talk. Men on the other hand shut down. The last thing they want to do is talk, they act, do what is necessary to solve the problem at hand, they just don’t want to talk about it.

We are essentially still cavemen. When a threat comes up, a man will fight and protect himself and his loved ones. A woman will want to talk about it, even if it is only a scream.

Something I feel like doing a lot lately, scream. But it is not really helping. I know I should give myself time to grieve but patience (as for most people) has never been my strong suit. I have to restrain myself with all the self-control I can muster, to not reach out to him and hoping with every fiber of my being that he will eventually reach out to me.

I miss him with all my heart and mostly I miss my friend. With him I felt I can be me, without any show or false pretence – at least during the limited time we shared. There was literally nothing we couldn’t speak (and fight) about – except us!

I miss that, I miss him…