(physical activity between people involving the sexual organs)
“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”
― Oscar Wilde
Yes, I know it is not everything but if it works and you are capable of speaking of your desires with your partner, it can be heaven on earth. Of course again, it needs the ability to listen (physically as well in this case) and it needs trust, because let’s face it, we are the most vulnerable when we are naked. This probably makes sex one of the most sensitive topics in a relationship. Our ability to speak about intimacy and sex has a lot to do with our own and very personal attitude towards sexuality.
So how do you go about getting a man to speak about sex and how do you do it? For some it is easy and comes naturally but for most it is still difficult and off-limits, it is a taboo. But guesswork can be very unpleasant here. If you want a fulfilled sex life – and I assume most do – than forget everything you have seen somewhere, heard somewhere or experienced so far. Start with a clean slate. Everyone has something different that turns him or her on. You would be surprised how many people have some kind of fetish, from something simple like being blindfolded to other more extremes like SM. Anything is ok as long as we are speaking about adults and there is absolute consent from all sides.
Just one little example: If you enjoy kissing, then let him know and kiss him in exactly the way you like it, listening to his body talk (with a tongue in your mouth it is pretty much the only way to communicate anyway). If he is a bad kisser it will probably not work out anyway so don’t try too long or too hard.
Sexuality is such a wonderful thing because it includes all of your senses – look, smell, touch, taste, hearing and feeling. Most men are quite simple and rather visual… So find out what he likes and it’s probably easy to get him aroused. Just make sure it is not all about him but about both of you. Me, I see looks as the first impression but I must admit that sex starts in my head. To put it in very direct words, if you want to be intimate me, you have to stimulate my brain first. But also the smell of someone is so important. It decides for you if you want to take it to the next level, to touch and taste.
It is often this first kiss, the moment just before your lips touch that can already drive you out of your mind, the anticipation of what is about to happen that arouses you so much that you could jump out of your skin. You know it is right when that kiss shows the promise of what is to come, the possibilities of the intimacy you may share. Don’t expect this very time (or perhaps that is exactly what you should expect) and when it happens it is true bliss that is highly addictive!
If you know what you like and want, say it or, if you feel you are too shy or afraid to take the words into your mouth, show it, guide your partner and don’t be disappointed or offended when you are not always on the same page. From my experience, talking about sex and being very honest with your partner is actually a huge turn on – for both, especially if you are open to new experiences. Just one small tip; it might often be better not to make this an issue during sex because perhaps your partner might want to think about what you desire but I will get to that later.
“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
― Mae West
There really is no reason to have bad sex. And as always, this is so much easier said than done. Having said all of this, let’s bring some order into this very important part of a good and functioning relationship where intimacy is welcomed by both partners.
Let’s have a look at some science first
A large body of scientific research documents four important gender differences in sexuality.
- In general, men show a greater sexual desire than women.
- Compared with men, women place greater emphasis on committed relationships as a context for sexuality.
- Aggression is more strongly linked to sexuality for men than for women.
- Women’s sexuality tends to be more malleable and capable of change over time.
These male-female differences are pervasive, affecting thoughts and feelings as well as behavior, and they characterise not only heterosexuals but lesbians and gay men as well. Implications of these patterns are considered.
But we all know that no matter how much you want to rationalise sexuality, in the end it is chemistry, lust, and emotions that defines it for most of us. It is a natural urge and we have the choice to make it a great experience. So…
let’s talk about sex…
It is probably a good idea to start talking about sex early on in a relationship, simply because the longer you wait, the harder it will become (no pun intended). But be careful to not start on the first dates. Especially women can be put off if talk about intimacy starts too soon and it will most likely be seen as disparaging and very inappropriate. So establish trust and intimacy first with easier conversations, say about consent or contraception before you move on to what feels good, and what doesn’t, and take it from there.
When it comes to sharing fantasies, carefully test the boundaries and start low, and go slow. Test the waters and begin with something tame to see how your partner responds to build the necessary trust and intimacy.
…and it’s really never too late to start
So what if you you are in a long term relationship and have never managed to really talk about sex? This can be a really tough one but how about you go out on a date and pretend you have never met before and give yourself a fresh start – just reset! In doing this you can leave the past behind and focus on what you want the future to be like and how your sex life can be improved or even reignited. Try and be open about your wants and needs and you might be surprised that you are not the only one with fantasies.
It doesn’t really matter at what stage in your life you are, opening up can be liberating and your sex life can be more fulfilling than ever. If you want to know how to please one another it is always a great idea to share your likes, dislikes and expectations.
If you struggle communicating about sex it is quite possible that you struggle with open communication in general with your partner. As in all good and healthy communication it is so important how you talk about it. Complaining about your partners performance is probably not the best idea as this might threaten their overall sexuality.
Sharing sexual fantasies with your partner is difficult even for most that have a trusting and respectful relationship. There is still so much shame around having these fantasies. Research (ok, a little more science here) has shown that most fantasies fall into similar broad categories: rough sex, fetishes, multi-partner sex, voyeurism, role play, novelty and adventure, non-monogamous sex. Sometimes just expressing our fantasies can be arousing enough without the necessity to follow through. There is no need for shame in having fantasies, you are more normal than you probably think – always keeping consent in mind. There is so much to gain from opening up about what we really want. The Spice Girls said it so memorably in their song „Wannabe“ with the lyrics „Tell me what you want, what you really really want…“
At the other end a happier sexual relationship is waiting for you.
“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.”
― Steve Martin
Is there a good moment to talk about sex?
This is a great question and if you are unsure the answer will probably always be a hard NO! During sex itself it is probably not the best idea as – and I keep mentioning it – we are most vulnerable without our clothes. So if you want to talk about sex and your sex life in general, you might want to take the conversation to a quiet place where you are undisturbed and not rushed.
There is an exception to this though. When you want to share your sexual fantasies it might even be better if you are already in the mood for sex. When you are already aroused it may be so much easier to explore each others boundaries and even stretch those a little more. You may both be more receptive to trying something new. And don’t be disappointed if you do not like all the same things. The result may not necessarily be that all of your sexual fantasies will be fulfilled but if you don’t try it is sure that none of them will be fulfilled – at least in this relationship!
It goes without saying, and I will mention it anyway, that you always respect your partner’s boundaries. A no is a no is a N O! And even if there is something that you do not like, don’t judge your partner or make them feel rejected. Try not to be critical and tell them what makes you feel good instead – which is your gain.
Listen to your partner with all of your senses and find out what brings you both the most pleasure. Discover your bodies as if you have never touched one another before and let your senses go wild with ecstasy.
“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.”
― Deepak Chopra
Having said all of this we probably come to the most important part when it comes to communication between men and women or getting men to talk. It is what most of us do not have enough of and due to the lack of it we give up to soon, too easily and possibly miss a chance of a lifetime. You may already guess where this is going…
TO BE CONTINUED…