LONELINESS

I believe that there are many different forms of LONELINESS!

When we speak of LONELINESS we should not get that muddled up with being alone – they are definitely not the same. LONELINESS is unusually a negative feeling that feels upsetting, sad and even draining. Being alone or desired solitude makes you feel at peace, it restores your energy and can be used to be more creative. Having established that, let’s take a closer look at some of the different forms of LONELINESS.

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.” ― Thomas Campbell

One form of LONELINESS can catch up with you when you move, start a new job, go to a new school, simply when you come to a new and strange environment. This is a loneliness that is very familiar to me. When I was seven years old I was ripped out of my familiar environment, moved from Germany to the Netherlands and was sent to an American International school. I felt very much alone and was glad to have my big sister who was my rock.

Sometimes we get lonely when we feel we just don’t fit in. We just don’t go with the flow, are different, have a different faith, or a different view of the world than the majority. Especially now, when you do not follow the general narrative you can begin to feel very lonely at times.

For me personally, the worst kind of loneliness is being lonely as a couple or in a relationship. It is a bit like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey and pulling it away at the last second. Being lonely together is unfortunately not uncommon. I see many relationships that look more like flat-sharing communities. When a couple appears more like roommates, although I often experience a more intimate relationship between roommates than with supposed lovers, something is definitely wrong.

“People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.” ― Kim Culbertson

When you are feeling lonely in a relationship, this LONELINESS can often be a result of different relational factors. And here I go again… One of the essentials is and always will be (no, I do not tire of emphasising this) good COMMUNICATION! The next one is also nothing new but just as important. Couples often forget what it is like to really spend quality time together. Pay good attention to the true quality of your time you have and make it fun and enjoyable for both. Mix it up and just take turns in planning your activities for a wider range of fun and try new things as you go, suprise yourself and your partner.

Another reason for feeling LONELINESS in a relationship, or even a good friendship can be that you don’t feel like you are important to the other person. If you lead more or less seperate lives and lose the empathy and the ability to cater to your partners or friends needs, they are bound to feel lonely at some point. Sometimes it is just a gesture of reassurance and at other times it is simply to show them how important they are to you and that you are willing to make them a priority in your life.

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” Robin William

What can really make you feel disconnected from your partner is when you have completely different goals and expectations in your lives. So when you get this feeling of LONELINESS in your relationship, it is possible that you have neglected to notice a shift in your directions and have not revisited your goals and most likely did not do a regular fact check if your are still following a common path.

Just don’t let it come that far if you want your relationship to last and be fulfilled. And don’t be afraid to voice your needs and don’t be afraid to change something significantly in your life if necessary. Some relationships are not meant to last a lifetime, while others are. No matter what, relationships should not be the cause of LONELINESS.

I believe it is important to realise the reasons for your LONELINESS so you can address and find options to alleviate it. LONELINESS can be ovepowering and can lead to sadness and even depression. If you feel stuck in that feeling, be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help. We all need some kindness and help once in a while.

Have you ever felt lonely and alone in a relationship or in other situations? I would love to hear your story. Wishing you a fabulous weekend.

Tanja

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