We are strange creatures. What we have we often don’t want and what we want we often cannot have.
It is a bit like the grass being or rather seeming so much greener somewhere else.
Just very recently I have come to realise that I thought I wanted something so very much and had to admit that is was never real. It is something I have been chasing one way or the other for almost a decade.
It was unbelievably emotional and intense. It was something I craved and it is somewhat enlightening when you suddenly realise that it was probably more an illusion or the hope of what it COULD have been that kept me holding on for such a long time. In that decade – which I don’t see as a complete waste, as I am obviously just a very slow learner when it comes to people – I was often treated with such utter carelessness and disrespect that it seems absolutely flabbergasting that I always forgave and probably even came back time after time asking for more. But for a very long time, the good outweighed the bad – until it didn’t. From the outside, I would have known exactly what I would have said to a friend in the same situation and am finally able to say it to myself. Coming to terms with all of it and seeing the reality of it all. It’s just not worth my time, my effort, or my love anymore.
I do ask myself now how it was even possible to be wanting something so badly that I was capable to throw all my principles, which I usually hold so dear, completely overboard for such a long time?
Does that make me a weak person? That is one of the most pressing questions I was asking myself. My conclusion is that it most certainly does not make me weak in any way. When I truly care for someone and let someone into my heart – which is not easy – I am loyal to a fault and I fight to the death. In this case to the death of the feelings. I wrote something related to this a while ago about the one time too many. I compared it to a dog, a loyal, kind, and loving friend, and companion. I believe it is true that when you treat a dog badly and do it long enough, kick it that one time too many, it will eventually turn on you and bite. So essentially, my greatest fault was caring too much for too long.
“If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?” — William Shakespeare
In the past week, I have been overwhelmed by feelings that are usually absolutely foreign to me. They are feelings I didn’t even know I was capable of. These are definitely not good emotions that are spreading through me and I don’t quite feel like myself at this time.
“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” — Marcus Aurelius
They are feelings of contempt, unbridled rage, the desire for revenge, and the growing desire to get even with this person to find final closure. I am, by nature, someone with a very long fuse, but when that fuse is finally burnt down, the explosion can be huge.
I don’t particularly like myself like this, or feeling like this, and common sense tells me I should just let it go, move on, and possibly even forgive. What would I get out of it if I acted on my current feelings? Short-term satisfaction?
On the other hand, the Bible says in Exodus 21:24
„But if a serious injury results, then you must require a life for a life – eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, and stripe for stripe.“
Of course, it always depends on how you care to interpret these words.
It is not so much the hurt or disparaging treatment that has enraged me but the fact that this person has lied to me (repeatedly), broken promises (more than I can count), taken advantage of me (too often), and worst of all, tried to blame me for his misbehaviour so that he can be seen as an honourable do-gooder. Apart from this person’s completely distorted self-perception and absolute cowardice, I was also robbed of a wonderful opportunity to do something I had been looking forward to for a very long time – and he appeared to have destroyed all of it with the indifference – and I don’t know how else to phrase it – of a narcissistic sociopath. Never being in the wrong, always the victim, and with the brilliant capability to fake emotions as well as being exceptionally eloquent.
“Men should be either treated generously or destroyed, because they take revenge for slight injuries – for heavy ones they cannot.” — Niccolo Machiavelli
It was just this one time too many. It was that one moment when all good feelings fell away in an instant and all that was left was anger and disdain. I never believed that I could go from deeply caring for someone to wanting to cause that person excruciating pain so quickly. I always believed the death of feelings of this magnitude would be a long, gradual process. But apparently, the death of feelings is like every death – always a little different. Sometimes you just fall asleep peacefully, sometimes it’s a painful process that takes forever, and then again it can be a very quick and sudden death – as in this case.
So what do you do when you are overwhelmed with negative emotions? This is the first time I am feeling this way, this strongly, and would love to know what you think.
HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THE URGE FOR REVENGE?
a. act on it!
b. walk away – forgive!
c. it depends on the situation!
If you have other ideas or options, please let me know, and feel free to comment or send me a personal message via mail. This is a rather unusual topic for me and I appreciate your feedback.
🎶My Song of the Week
I suppose this is a very fitting one to go with today’s post
📚My Poem of the Week
Is by Letitia Elizabeth Landon (1802–1838)
Revenge
Ay, gaze upon her rose-wreathed hair, And gaze upon her smile; Seem as you drank the very air Her breath perfumed the while: And wake for her the gifted line, That wild and witching lay, And swear your heart is as a shrine, That only owns her sway. 'Tis well: I am revenged at last,— Mark you that scornful cheek,— The eye averted as you pass'd, Spoke more than words could speak. Ay, now by all the bitter tears That I have shed for thee,— The racking doubts, the burning fears,— Avenged they well may be— By the nights pass'd in sleepless care, The days of endless woe; All that you taught my heart to bear, All that yourself will know. I would not wish to see you laid Within an early tomb; I should forget how you betray'd, And only weep your doom: But this is fitting punishment, To live and love in vain,— Oh my wrung heart, be thou content, And feed upon his pain. Go thou and watch her lightest sigh,— Thine own it will not be; And bask beneath her sunny eye,— It will not turn on thee. 'Tis well: the rack, the chain, the wheel, Far better hadst thou proved; Ev'n I could almost pity feel, For thou art nor beloved.
👀Impressions
Lake Starnberg at its best!
To begin any kind of transformation, you have to know what your story is before you can navigate to something better and write a new story, becoming the best possible version of yourself. This is what the Enneagram and I can do for you. I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here go to my website or simply hit reply and get in touch with me directly.
If you enjoyed this post, leave a ❤️ and a comment! I wish you an amazing weekend and look very much forward to your feedback and comments.
Yours
Tanja 🤗
MY JOURNEY 